There Is Just Something About A Girl-friend

So, for me, this blogging thing is something of a necessity.  I NEED an outlet for my thoughts and feelings whether anyone but me ever reads it or not.  I NEED to pour all of it out into these postings and get it off my chest and out of my mind.  I hope to look back over the next months and see how and where God has worked in my life.  Where He has changed me, refined me, and made me into more of who He wants me to be. 

Last night, the baby woke up crying hysterically at 2 am.  Turns out his diaper had leaked and he was soaking wet and cold, as was his bed beneath him.  So, Matt went in to take care of him and get him settled back down but he did not want his Daddy, he was upset (VERY upset) so he wanted his Mommy.  After a few minutes, in which he did not settle down, I got out of bed and dragged my exhausted self across the hallway to his room.  Matt was a little frazzled but tried to tell me he had it under control.....do I look like I was born yesterday? 
So I helped him get Matthew out of his wet, stinky sleeper and peel the nasty diaper off his wriggling body.  We quickly got him into a new diaper and a warm, dry sleeper after which I stuck a bottle into his mouth.  I sat on the floor and held the little boy whom I love so much it is ridiculous and my mind started to wander, so I just let it go.......

I thought about how full my life is, good full.  With three kids life tends to fill up quickly, especially when one (or more) of those kids is in school.  We have school, dance classes, chior practices, prayer groups, drama practices and productions, church obligations, family obligations, friends.......and the list goes on.  I am not complaining, I love the busy-ness of our life.  I think it is just busy enough to be enjoyable but not too busy (yet) to be overwhelming or unpleasant.  Yet, through the busy-ness and fullness of life I have found myself lonely quite often of late.  And, as I sat there feeding my little man in the middle of the night, I think I realized why.......I don't have any really close friends, aside from Matt.  Matt is, has been since we met, and will forever remain my VERY best friend.  I love that about him, about us.  It is comfortable and reliable and I know he is always there to lend an ear or a word or a shoulder but there is just something about a girl-friend.....

As I sat on the floor reflecting I realized it has been a VERY long time since I have had a close girl-friend with whom I feel I can share (almost) anything.  I have lots of girls with whom I am friendly but none whom I feel I could call just to chat with or really pour my heart out to.  I would like to have a close girl-friend to whom I can tell my secrets and my disappointments but, at 29(-ish) I lack that in my life.  It was not ever something that has really bothered me, not ever even something that was on my radar but lately I crave that.  So, there I sat, on the cold floor with tears rolling down my face wondering why.  I wonder if I am less than close girlfriend material?  Or maybe it is me.....maybe I am too private.  That is what I am beginning to think.  For as long as I can remember I have been intensely private about certain aspects of my life (my walk with the Lord, my relationship with my husband, my truest feelings and thoughts....I could go on) and then there are other aspects of my life where I am very open and honest.  I think maybe I come off as too guarded, or maybe too desperate?  Either way, I have a hole in my heart, a girl-friend shaped hole.  I think this is an instance where I can trust God to be God and fill that hole in His timing and in His way, not mine but I find it hard to wait.......