One of those days.....

Today has been "one of those days". Yuck! It began with a headache and an extended ride to school and back, due to the snow. Add in two fussy, whiny babies and a moody 3 year old and you have a recipe for a grumpy, frustrated, tired mommy.
I dislike days like today because I tend to lose patience much more easily and forget the joy of having children and the privilege of staying home with them. I find that at the end of days like this one I feel icky and a bit guilty, too. I am thankful, though, for a Heavenly Father who wipes the slate clean and lets me begin fresh and new each day. I am thankful, too, for small children who do not care how frazzled their mommy may be today and will wake up tomorrow with the same unconditional love in their eyes and smiles on their faces ready to tackle the wonder and joy that each new day brings. I am convinced more each day that, although I may not always understand it and maybe even doubt it, God totally knows what he is doing in and through my life! Even on days like today....

Time Is Marching On!

I realized something this weekend, my baby is quickly growing up! On Friday evening he crawled over to the steps and climbed up the first two! My heart almost stopped in my chest, I couldn't believe it. Then on Saturday morning he pulled himself up to a standing position from his belly, all by himself!! Really? Have we come this far already? I'm not ready for all of this, that's for sure!

Before I know it he is going to be walking and then going off to preschool, then Kindergarten, and sooner than we'd like he'll be graduating high school and heading off to (insert BIG gulp here) college.....times truly flies, especially after the children come along!

I have decided, though, to savor every moment. (Even the moments when he is lying on his back in the middle of the kitchen floor screaming because I won't hold him while I try to quickly mix up his bottle!) To set aside my worries about the future (because today truly does have enough worries of it's own) and live for today. Enjoy all of the today's that I can with the children God has loaned to me and the wonderful husband God has given me while I walk this earth. Time MUST march on, this is the way God intended it, and I am going to march alongside with a big smile on my face....perhaps with tears in my eyes or streaming down my face, but always with a smile!!

There Is Just Something About A Girl-friend

So, for me, this blogging thing is something of a necessity.  I NEED an outlet for my thoughts and feelings whether anyone but me ever reads it or not.  I NEED to pour all of it out into these postings and get it off my chest and out of my mind.  I hope to look back over the next months and see how and where God has worked in my life.  Where He has changed me, refined me, and made me into more of who He wants me to be. 

Last night, the baby woke up crying hysterically at 2 am.  Turns out his diaper had leaked and he was soaking wet and cold, as was his bed beneath him.  So, Matt went in to take care of him and get him settled back down but he did not want his Daddy, he was upset (VERY upset) so he wanted his Mommy.  After a few minutes, in which he did not settle down, I got out of bed and dragged my exhausted self across the hallway to his room.  Matt was a little frazzled but tried to tell me he had it under control.....do I look like I was born yesterday? 
So I helped him get Matthew out of his wet, stinky sleeper and peel the nasty diaper off his wriggling body.  We quickly got him into a new diaper and a warm, dry sleeper after which I stuck a bottle into his mouth.  I sat on the floor and held the little boy whom I love so much it is ridiculous and my mind started to wander, so I just let it go.......

I thought about how full my life is, good full.  With three kids life tends to fill up quickly, especially when one (or more) of those kids is in school.  We have school, dance classes, chior practices, prayer groups, drama practices and productions, church obligations, family obligations, friends.......and the list goes on.  I am not complaining, I love the busy-ness of our life.  I think it is just busy enough to be enjoyable but not too busy (yet) to be overwhelming or unpleasant.  Yet, through the busy-ness and fullness of life I have found myself lonely quite often of late.  And, as I sat there feeding my little man in the middle of the night, I think I realized why.......I don't have any really close friends, aside from Matt.  Matt is, has been since we met, and will forever remain my VERY best friend.  I love that about him, about us.  It is comfortable and reliable and I know he is always there to lend an ear or a word or a shoulder but there is just something about a girl-friend.....

As I sat on the floor reflecting I realized it has been a VERY long time since I have had a close girl-friend with whom I feel I can share (almost) anything.  I have lots of girls with whom I am friendly but none whom I feel I could call just to chat with or really pour my heart out to.  I would like to have a close girl-friend to whom I can tell my secrets and my disappointments but, at 29(-ish) I lack that in my life.  It was not ever something that has really bothered me, not ever even something that was on my radar but lately I crave that.  So, there I sat, on the cold floor with tears rolling down my face wondering why.  I wonder if I am less than close girlfriend material?  Or maybe it is me.....maybe I am too private.  That is what I am beginning to think.  For as long as I can remember I have been intensely private about certain aspects of my life (my walk with the Lord, my relationship with my husband, my truest feelings and thoughts....I could go on) and then there are other aspects of my life where I am very open and honest.  I think maybe I come off as too guarded, or maybe too desperate?  Either way, I have a hole in my heart, a girl-friend shaped hole.  I think this is an instance where I can trust God to be God and fill that hole in His timing and in His way, not mine but I find it hard to wait.......   

Over the last 9-1/2 years my life has consisted of a rotating cycle of getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth, navigating those first few scary & uncertain weeks and months, watching my babies turn into toddlers, preschoolers, Kindergarteners, you get the point.  That cycle is now on it's last full rotation, my childbearing years are officially over and I think I am happy about that....I AM happy about that but sad too. I LOVE babies!! If they could only stay babies....I would have waaaaay too many of them!
I struggle with letting go of the babies.  I struggle with the reality of losing my bab(ies).  I'm not sure I am good at being a parent to children who have graduated from Kindergarten....it is exponentially harder, I think.  Harder emotionally, mentally, more stressful.....and again, I find myself scared!  Scared I won't be the mom they need me to be, or the mom that God made me to be, hating the loss of the children who are dependent on me for everything and in whose eyes Mommy can do no wrong!  This journey called parenthood is not for the faint of heart, I sure hope I am up for the task. 

Well, I am determined this year to figure out this whole blogging thing. I have realized that I desperately need an outlet for my thoughts and I believe that blogging could be just that for me. 
I am a stay-at-home mom with three children, plus one. (my niece who comes to play Mon - Fri). My children are Kennah-8 years old, Ellah-3 years old, and Matthew-9 months old (and my niece Leah is 15 months old). I LOVE being home with the kids but also miss the joy, intellectual satisfaction and sanity that comes from being around people older than 10 on a daily basis!! I have been, for the last 10 years, trying to decide what I want to do "when I grow up" and I have finally decided. So, in addition to being a full time mom, I am going back to school....nursing school! I am a little scared/nervous/bewildered but I feel a sense of freedom in finally knowing what I want to do for the rest of my life.....so, here we go!!  Feel free to come back often as I chronicle my life and thoughts, I'd love to share it all with you.

(The beautiful pictures are courtesy of Keri McCarthy Photography, Cumberland, RI)